Please make babies great
To whom it might concern,
Please adjust the ready to ship parameter of baby deployments from 9 to 36 months.
I think someone was testing things in production and set 9 as a magic constant in code. It eventually got forgotten since linters weren’t a thing back then and it slipped through for millennia. Now personnel is afraid of changing it due to the original team not being part of the project anymore, and the “don’t touch what’s not broken” rule of thumb is applied by default.
I believe this will make things much easier, since a baby in those terms is a much pleasant experience for the humanity in general.
Advantages include:
- advanced communication - not the crying/babbling nonsense that current babies bring by default and require extensive care and tweaking
- self sustenance - give them food and they (mostly) eat it themselves. I’d also adjust the “want snacks” parameter to only peak after big meals are consumed, not before.
- an in-built “shush” button - very handy specially in crowded places where people are trying to have a pleasant time. It can be activated by saying “please keep it down or there’s no candy”.
- in-built “garbage” disposal - instead of the surprise poop and hosed parental experiences, the new deployments can come with voice warnings like “I need to weewee”, or just use the closely available toilet, or garden, or ocean.
- self entertainment for more than 2,5 seconds - no more “hei kiddo need to go to the bathroom” - “WHAAAAAAAAAAA” experience. The child stays playing and politely say “ok”.
- self shutdown - currently the suspend button for newborns is janky and rarely works. No amount of talking, singing and stories help. Only carrying around helps, but even then my models for some reason were constantly trying to say something. Never really understood what exactly because it was always something like “WHAAAAAA”. And since we’re at it, can you also please check why the “feeding” algorithms also somehow touches the “sleeping” ones? As an adult I don’t remember falling asleep while eating a good lasagna, but a baby falls asleep on the boob in no time.
I believe this will definitely impact some markets like diapers and baby carriers. I feel sorry for them, but not sorry enough to sacrifice my well slept nights just so they can earn another million billion dollars.
We would definitely lose the funny memes of small babies that react to something in a funny manner. But fear not, our LLMs trained on every digital byte of information the Internet ever had have enough information about babies giggling to generate brand new images for the next millennia. We’re safe on the meme side.
If you don’t feel like changing it to 36 months please do a counter proposal. Just don’t leave it at 9. Let’s find together a middle ground that both me and you find reasonable. I’m already willing to not have the fancy garbage disposal mechanism for a proto one, but nighttime is sacred and needs to be restored to the time before babies. We can’t keep sleeping badly just because a baby needs to feed or it decided that 3am is a great time to wake up. Clearly bad system design.
Oh, and don’t get me started on code smells. Clearly the team that was working at the time didn’t understand the analogy and implemented directly bad smells into the production mechanisms. I think it’s time to do a git blame and figure out who that fella is and being him to justice for crimes against human noses.
Without further ado, I really want to believe that my outcry will be heard and we can reach to an agreement. I fear humanity will eventually cease its existence just for considering to have offspring and deciding “nah can’t be bothered. Let’s play Minecraft”.
With kind regards,
A sleep deprived parent.